Dog Poet Transmitting.......
May your noses always be cold and wet.
Greetings Friends and welcome to the halls of Origami. I seem to have run afoul of certain sensibilities over the course of the last week in my postings here and there. I just got an email from someone who was upset with me because they said I was fearful. This was something I was unaware of. I admit to confusion, some perplexity and uncertainty ...but fear is not something I recall dealing with and it certainly doesn't fit my modus operandi at any time around these locations. In fact, I would say that the degree of fearlessness I display borders on the foolhardy, lacking at times all sense of self preservation. I've wanted to think and do believe that God protects me and it certainly appears to be true. However, at times one's faith can be severely tested and I am no more immune to that than anyone else.
There's seems to be a perception among some of the readers that I am their property. They have some kind of investment in me and when I don't perform according to their expectations that I have not measured up to my ordained responsibility to them. How I came to be responsible to them is something I missed along the way. Perhaps I wasn't paying attention. Possibly I was busy with something else and this contractual obligation of mine went by without my noticing it. I am supposed to be possessed of some kind of marvelous, unwavering consistency that never varies. That's fine in the movies and comic books but it doesn't translate into real life; whatever that is.
There are some readers who have been good to me here, bought my books, helped me out on occasion, been there for me in a private fashion. You know who you are and I'm not going to single you out to the exclusion of others. I don't think that would be fair. However, the totality of them is a good deal less than 1% of the readership. The people that are giving me grief about not meeting their expectations aren't even regular correspondents; not people I hear from with any regularity. I don’t really know what to say to them. I'm not a commodities future or a hedge fund.
My former life, such as I have known it is in a state of massive transformation. Somehow, I got the idea that coming to India was going to be some kind of a positive transitioning. No one who comes here has any real idea of what went down and it's over in any case. It was just one of those initiatory phases that can happen anywhere. I've learned from the experience and put it behind me but I can't put behind me how it made me feel. I don't operate like that anyway. I study the impact of things on me and look to see what the lesson is. I can't grow if I just dismiss everything that happens and act like nothing happened.
I've lived with the same woman for going on 14 years now. Though we are very good friends and share a lot of things in common, there are all kinds of things we do not share in common. I've never integrated that well into the German culture. We do not share the same friends. A number of her friends were very upset that we got together and in most cases this is because they wanted to be with her and she picked me. She doesn't believe in God; given what little or more a lot of you know about my life, you can imagine how this plays out on occasion, especially considering some of the supernatural occurrences. She sees the commentary provided by the readers and it mystifies her because she does not share in the resonance that goes on here. The truth of the matter here and I know whereof I speak, is that we were put together for karmic reasons. Some of you know how we met and this is endemic of many another event that has occurred in my life.
Now the cosmos has seen fit to change this dynamic. That's been in flux for awhile now and the status of it comes and goes but sooner or later it will change in a definite way and I will be on my own and feeling like I am in a Thomas Cole painting. I'm of a particular age, although, unless I am being decadent I don't look like it and people often miss my actual age by a lot, It really comes down to the way one moves and acts according to their animating principle. Still, I don't have a job, I live in a foreign country, I could well be in the wind come summer and have no idea where and the place that I thought was going to provide me answers, has provided me nothing but questions. I think I am permitted a certain amount of WTF? I think I am permitted a period of internal questioning and wonderment.
People say all kinds of nice things to and about me. It is apparent that a lot of people are getting something out of this experiment that I am. I don't know how much I am getting out of it, except for the opportunity to be of service and I have tried to perform in that manner, free of charge, diligently, day after day, week after week, month after month and year after year. I haven't asked for anything. I've been through, I don't know how many personal crises, on the parts of different readers, through emails and phone conversations and so on and so forth. I've tried to be there every single time.
I'm not superman. I'm not enlightened, not in any complete and total way. I'm not stable and well adjusted. I'm not prosperous and independent. I've never amassed any assets and I don't own anything but the tools of my trade. I have maybe a couple of thousand Euro to my name, if I congregate it all together. That's the totality of all my worldly goods. Sure, that has never been my intention but I always thought things were moving in a certain direction, where I might finally have a season of ease, or at least know where I was going to be for some period of time.
I'm not whining or complaining here. I'm just laying out some particulars, so that the reader might see how things have been hitting me lately and they have been hitting me a certain way internally. You have to keep something in mind about me and that is that because of the nature of my work there are some number of entrenched and diabolical forces that bear no love for me and they attack me on certain levels at certain times. Usually these attacks take place in my waking zone and I handle them as well as I can and I usually do handle them, with the help of my invisible friends. They usually do not come after me when I am sleeping or attempting to but that happened recently and here is the interesting thing. At the same time this was happening to me, it happened to Susanne, the very same thing with the very same components. There can be nothing coincidental about this. Now it has stopped and for that I am grateful but... the totality of all of these things is wearying and it puts me in a frame of mind that I have to deal with. I could pretend that none of it is happening but that is no different than being in a state of denial.
Every trip I have taken recently has turned out badly in one way or another; Mexico, UK, Romania and now here, although this could still materialize into something different and I hold to that possibility. Some readers are coming to visit soon and maybe that contains elements that will have an effect on my presence here. Several people told me to go home. Susanne told me I should come home. I can't see my way to doing that when people have paid good money to come and see me so, I'm pretty much here for another month to six weeks at least. I can manage that, staying under the radar and just working on my book and putting up posts every day. I've got a lot I can occupy myself with. I don't have to be running all over the landscape, with the environment pinging off of my senses and rattling my brain cage (grin).
I'm not in some state of burgeoning crisis. I'm just very thoughtful and not sure of what anything means but that is simply the way it is. It's going to explain itself or it's not going to explain itself. I don't get the sense that I am in any kind of danger and even when it looked like things might spiral into a degree of unpleasantness, they never did. Things merely moved from one atmosphere into another. I'm just in one of those places where I am assessing everything and not knowing what awaits me at some further reach and it's not something I should be over focusing on but you know how the mind works and sometimes that is just how it goes. Usually I have some sort of anchored awareness but my anchors are in question now and it's probably why I am getting all these weird HD dreams and why, until recently, I couldn't sleep at all. The power of this mountain and this location has something to do with it but that seems to have backed off too for the moment.
So I ask you to bear with me and not place all these impossible expectations on me. I am very resilient and have a capacity to pass through powerful weather conditions. If the forces I deal with are real, they will prove out in terms of need and necessity. I have to go with that. Don't make demands on me when I'm not on your dime and when you are in fact on my dime. It would please me greatly if I could expect this. You want to have a positive effect on my situation, pray for me. Thank you.
A studio version of 'Peace' is track no. 4 of 10 on Visible's eponymous 'Les Visible' Music Album
Lyrics (pops up)