It started a couple of months before this time last year. I was in a good mood and looking forward to a number of projects that I had in mind for the period running up to now and beyond. There were things I wanted to accomplish and a number of things that I wanted to add and discard from my makeup. It started off well. I drove down here with a friend and had a good few days and then... the heaviness arrived and pressed down on me, making it difficult to do more than write blog entries and take care of the daily chores.
It’s been like that since, with a couple of periods where I was forced off the rails for a short time that felt longer than it was. I’ve written about them. One of them was awhile ago now and one of them was about a month ago. My sense of time isn’t that great because it’s always right now. I don’t have the luxury of living in a projected future or a zone of reminiscing. Those two things are big items in most lives and tend to make the matters of the moment less stressful. It’s a kind of global escapism that operates around the planet. People color the past and they put a smiley face on the future (cue Dusty Springfield, “Wishin’ and Hopin’”).
People talk about God the Father and God the Mother. You get a lot of the former in the west and the latter in the east. It’s really interplay between the two personalities of a single being (hopefully I’m not gravitating toward impersonality here. I’ve never had to watch my doctrinal ass before.). Some say it’s a three-fold composition. The Hindus have it defined best; creator, preserver and destroyer. Christianity is kind of confusing with that Father, Son and Holy Ghost thing. Mostly it’s the Holy Ghost as replacement for the feminine principle that throws me. The Buddhists have ‘hungry ghosts’ but there wouldn’t be any parallel there.
Whatever religion you study, you find the same basic principles at work and most of them have a dying sun/son God who has got the immortality/resurrection thing going on, on some level. The waters have gotten a lot muddier these days with all the talk about enduring bloodlines and elites; bio-engineered humanity, aliens and secret societies and lots more. These things tend to make my eyes glaze over. I don’t know what to do with them.
In my journeys to this point I have seen some ‘bipedal reptiles’. This was a very recent thing. I’ve seen flying saucers but mostly interdimensional examples. There were a couple of times that I might have seen a craft or two that were from this dimension but I’m not sure what they were. I’m very sure about the other. Interdimensional beings and saucers are real according to my experience. I don’t know about the other. I don’t know about secret societies but there’s a great deal of evidence for them. I belong to an order- if my various initiations mean anything- but I don’t know what it is or even what it’s called. I never got a name for my teacher and know nothing about his provenance.
I try to separate my experiences from my speculations and the things I have read. I’ve never experienced some of the things I have read and I don’t agree with the concept that a certain small group of elite beings has ruled the affairs of Earth for thousands of years. I know there are people that believe this but I can’t get my head around it. What I get is that there are a number of groups active at this sort of thing and they are at war with each other for primacy which none of them ever achieves. I don’t know about their lines of continuity. Maybe they’ve existed in unbroken lines and maybe they just fade and reform as certain principles and practices are rediscovered and then come and go in their own time... lasting for as long as they last.
In the Hindu tradition, the feminine principle is associated with action and force; prakriti and, of course, the writhing Kali mounted upon the prone Shiva. They tend to see a lot of the interaction of the divine in a sexual way and I tend to see it like that too. In all of my sojourns into the invisible and the unknown, I have never seen anything Christian or Islamic. I always see Buddhas and Hindu deities. I’ve had some experiences with Egypt where I was underground in chambers that had hieroglyphics written on sandstone walls, with amber lighting coming from somewhere. I’ve seen holographic serpents moving in and out of the Earth and I have felt the serpent power within, attended by all sorts of peculiarities of behavior.
I don’t know how important these bloodlines and societies are to me. I tend to believe that the dark cabals are set off against orders of light and that everything that takes place here is the result of magical wars. I don’t get the feeling that the dark side has any power over me unless I engage it or involve myself in activities that are in the area of its control. There might be a gambling casino or a brothel around the corner but I have to go there to partake of the action.
These days it seems that evil is attributed to every organization that ever was. There doesn’t seem to be any good guys. That can’t be right. Maybe everything you try to do down here comes up against the temporal authority and maybe, eventually, every good effort is corrupted down the line; just to show us that nothing here is permanent or perfect. I notice that everything fades, including me, in the corporate sense. Apparently gold doesn’t tarnish. Much of what I see has a symbolic meaning to me and for everything physical there is a spiritual counterpart.
A few readers have been at me about my mention of an arriving avatar. Some have said that’s foolish and there’s no such thing. However, we’ve got ample record of something fitting that description coming and going at regular intervals. Every age seems to possess at least one and sometimes more. All of them might not be avatars but they’ve had an impact. I’m certain about the avatar. People can believe as they choose. It doesn’t change what it true for me. I don’t know when he’s coming or any salient details but I’m sure it’s scheduled.
We are in the midst of enormous transformations. We can’t see it as it is because much of the usual day to day remains for the moment. This is causing a lot of pressure and that accounts for the heaviness I mentioned earlier. I suspect many people are feeling this and wondering what happened to the occasional joy and moments of happiness that used to pass in and out on their way to someone else. Pressure has to find an outlet at some point, the same way that suppressed hungers will eventually surface to the dismay of the ones involved. Sublimation is a seriously important tool that is much overlooked by most people.
I’m left with the impression that I just have to keep on keeping on. I have to endure whatever this is and drive toward the goal as if all of this heaviness and gray landscape were a motivating force. I have to use it to impel me inward and onward. I can’t engage it or confront it. That leads to unfortunate moments which I would rather avoid. It’s almost as if something is hiding from me and I have to keep looking even though it’s a lot harder than it used to be. Spiritual practices are more difficult to accomplish than they were, which gives me the idea that they might be much more important than they were.
I’m writing about this because I suspect others are feeling similar things and I thought it might be good to bring it up. I haven’t been able to answer my emails for over two weeks now and that’s part of all of this. I’m working toward that but... but... there’s that heaviness. I see no way out except through. So, I keep on choodlin’ and keep it in mind that Proud Mary keeps on burning. Things don’t stay the same. Sometimes it feels like nothing is ever going to change but somehow it always does. Too often it changes into more of the same; a cosmetic makeover but it’s still you fooling yourself that you’re different. You just changed the wrong things. The idea was sound but it was the wrong procedure.
I’m anchored pretty good compared to other times. It just doesn’t feel all that good because something has gone missing out of the general course of things. Everyone is dealing with this in their own way and many are attributing it to this or that. Lots of people aren’t talking about it for fear of appearing strange to the other people who are playing the same game of pretending nothing is happening; just flash that automatic smile and say, “I’m good, could be better. How about you?”
Whatever it is, I can’t see it taking too much longer but ...what do I know? I am thinking there are times that you just have to apply yourself to the end result, no matter what things may look like. You have to ignore appearances and press on. I’m thinking this is one of those times.
'I'm in my Car' is track no. 2 of 12 on Visible's 2007 album 'Almost A Capella'
The New Shangri-La